The Start of a New Year . . . and the End of People-Pleasing

I always want everyone around me to be happy. I usually do whatever it takes for that to happen, most notably, putting myself and my needs second (read: last) in order to accomplish that objective. I used to think that my deep-seeded need to please everyone was something unique to my personality, education, or upbringing.

But so many other women I speak to have the same exact issue – they just don’t want to disappoint or upset anyone around them, so they do whatever it takes to keep everyone around them content . . . at any cost. Many times this requires feats of great patience and sacrifice. And if anyone is like me, it rarely makes us happy.

The problem I’ve noticed with this approach to life is that women who live this way generally tend to feel unempowered, as if their own needs and desires are not important (or worse, selfish), so that their wants should be dismissed or ignored completely.

It therefore becomes increasingly difficult to be assertive or advocate for yourself when you are trying to attempt the impossible: working to make everyone around you happy, all of the time.

I know we all have responsibilities as wives, mothers, employees, friends, and daughters. I know we are often pulled in twelve directions at one time on any given day, and that we learned how to effectively multitask around the same time we started using lip gloss. But when did we become so adept at meeting other people’s needs that we virtually ignore our own? When did we decide that we matter less?

I find myself contemplating this conundrum in the most benign situations, like when arranging a group dinner for friends. Will everyone like where we go? What if someone doesn’t want to drive that far?

Will everyone talk to each other? I’ll stop myself and think, why is this my responsibility? Why must I ensure that everyone is happy, content, and satisfied?

The reality is that not everyone can be satisfied all of the time – someone is always going to have a critique or be disappointed. And yet, this need to please others is so ingrained in my psyche that I simply cannot successfully function if I think someone is upset or displeased based on something that I was remotely involved in.

I recognize this is not healthy; I further recognize that it is pretty dangerous for my daughter to witness my constant people-pleasing behavior.

I fear it will make my daughter think she should be submissive to others’ demands, while subverting her own needs and potentially silencing her own voice.

Part of my own behavior is based on my nurturing-caretaker personality, but part of it is learned: if everyone around me is content, then that means I did something right, that means I will be liked and appreciated. And at some level, every woman wants that.

Of course, at my age, you’d think I’d be beyond that type of personal judgment. But no, it lingers on long after the teenage years have been left behind with those glossy Teen Beat posters. And that has to change.

So, while everyone else sets New Year’s resolutions related to getting fit and saving more money, my resolution this year is to stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks – to stop trying to make everyone else happy all. of. the. time. at my own expense – and start putting some of my own needs first.

That does not mean I get to be recklessly selfish or irresponsible, it just means that I get to affirmatively recognize and acknowledge that I matter, my needs matter, and my dignity matters.

It means I can be assertive while still being kind and responsible.

And knowing that my daughter will get that message matters most. So, here’s to a new year of not trying to please everyone around us, all of the time, for all the right reasons.

* This article originally appeared on The Mommy Vortex.