Boundaries

“Nice underlines the unempowered; you’re nice because you’re not entitled not to be.”

This quote by Wendy Wasserstein hangs over my computer, and has traveled with me to many different work stations over the years.

At first glance, it seems confusing – or maybe even a bit snarky. But here’s the thing: I’ve learned over the years that this quote is, at its core, really about setting boundaries . . . and the consequences that result when you don’t.

Let’s be clear: the “nice” in this quote is not about kindness or manners or being pleasant. It goes much, much deeper than that. In part, it’s about self-respect. But it’s also about being empowered enough to advocate for your dignity and self-worth.

Which is something I’ve been really, really bad at over the years. In speaking with others, it seems I’m not alone in that struggle.

We wait ungodly amounts of time for all sorts of appointments; we let authority figures judge us or speak down to us; we allow more “important” people to be nasty or rude; we answer questions even if the person asking is not entitled to the information; we say yes when we should be saying no; we don’t use “no” as a complete sentence; we spend our time and energy on others who don’t appreciate us, when we really should be practicing self-care. And so much more.

Over the past few weeks, the Universe has tested my boundaries on at least a half-dozen occasions. I’d like to think of these as mini-life lessons that I can use to check my own personal and spiritual growth. But in reality, it has felt like death by a thousand cuts.

Every time I set a boundary, there was a push back. Why? Because I had always been so “nice” that people generally did not expect me to draw a line in the sand. They didn’t expect me to be empowered, even in the smallest situations. And that didn’t go over well.

What did I do? I refused to wait 45 minutes for an appointment (my time is valuable too); I challenged a teacher at my child’s school for an unjustified accusation (ultimately he apologized to us); I said no without an explanation (not everyone is entitled to information); I removed myself from a toxic relationship (there is no reason any of us should be taken for granted).

These may seem like small, inconsequential situations, but they add up. Because day after day, year after year, feeling like you or your time is not worth anything begins to chip away at your dignity and your self-worth. It says to the world that we allow ourselves to be treated in a certain way because we are not worth more. Simply put, it disempowers us.

And that, ultimately, teaches others to devalue us.

To be brutally honest, all of those situations above caused me aggravation and upset. I questioned myself, felt guilty, and worried about moving forward. And after a little time passed, I really thought about what was bothering me. I wasn’t wrong in advocating for myself, but it was uncomfortable for me to have done so at the cost of being that “nice” patient/client/friend/mom who everyone just expected to succumb to their will.

I’m not saying, of course, that we should intentionally be difficult, mean, unkind, or inflexible. We all know there is no shortage of hate (or inconsiderate people) in this world. Every situation calls for an appropriate response – and all choices have consequences (hello, karma).

What I am saying is that if you are always putting your needs second or just agreeing to things to be “nice,” then maybe, like me, you are giving away your power to feed someone else’s. Maybe, just maybe, your dignity and self-worth have been compromised.

Make no mistake: teaching others to treat you with respect is uncomfortable because we have to acknowledge our own behavior, take personal responsibility for it, then recognize when we are being devalued, and respectfully advocate for ourselves when it’s appropriate. This takes time, effort, a few missteps, maybe some tears, and a lot of courage.

But being “nice” simply to make someone else’s life easier all the time is basically telling the world that everyone else is worth more than us.

And that is just simply not true. We all have value, a purpose, and a reason for being here right now. So there has to be balance. Be kind, but be empowered enough to set boundaries. You are worth it.